Lateral Thinking

There are stairs that go up

And stairs that go down
But though I have looked

I've never found
Stairs that go sideways

And for that matter
I've never seen

A sideways ladder.
I plan to invent both

Sooner or later
And also a sideways

Elevator.

The Fourth Little Pig

The fourth little pig made his home on a yacht
That was moored at the end of a long, wooden dock.
The wolf huffed and he puffed, but to his dismay
The pig hoisted the sails for a clean getaway.

The Upside-Down Tree

I planted an upside-down acorn.
It sprouted an upside-down tree.
In its roots, the birds nest
In its branches, worms rest
And it's all quite confounding to me.

Squandered Star

Last week I plucked a star right from the sky.
They didn't seem to be in short supply.
I just dropped it in my pocket
Where I promptly then forgot it
And on laundry day it got a wash and dry.

The Extraordinary Disappearance of a Good Hat

By some quirk of nature,
By some twist of fate,
A hole opened up in time and in space
And before I could grab it
My hat blew right through it
And vanished without a trace.

Did it jump to the future
Or back to the past?
I have no way of knowing just when it is at
So I'm standing here, waiting
Confused and debating
If I should go buy a new hat.

The Scare, The Fright and The Fear

I warn you dear children, please beware
Of the terrible creature they call The Scare.
It has sharp, pointy teeth
And claws that can scrape,
And if ever it gets you
You will not escape.

And if you venture out into the night
Watch out for the one they call The Fright.
It has scaly, black skin
And red eyes that glow,
If it grabs you, dear children,
It won't let you go.

And I beg of you, children, please steer clear
Of the horrible monster they call The Fear.
It gobbles up anyone
Who gets too near,
And if it takes hold
You may well disappear.

The Figment

It was but a figment,
Born in a instant,
Conjured from wishes and dreams.
A tangible thought
Unexpectedly wrought,
Pulled out of thin air, it seems.

It opened its eyes,
Confused and surprised,
Unsure if it even belonged.
But it was not to last,
For the thought quickly passed
And that poor little figment was gone.

Revolution

How it happened was a mystery
That would change the course of history.
Somehow the spark of life took hold
In an ancient primordial sea.

Behold, a blob of divine potential,
Unequipped to imagine its own eventual
Importance. For it was destined to be
Quite significant and influential.

And as eons passed it formed a brain.
It grew eyes and a tail and rearranged
Its pieces and parts, to find the ideal,
It ever so slowly changed.

It was still just a blob, basically,
But it learned to use its agility
To wiggle and squirm and carve out a life
To the best of its ability.

With the passing of time it learned to do more.
It grew fins and scales and began to explore
The whole of the oceans, and when it was through
Fixed its sights upon the shore.

It grew legs and skin and working lungs
And hauled itself into the light of the sun
And it breathed the air, and it walked the earth
And yet still it was not done.

And the blob diverged into various forms,
Some rather plain, some out of the norm.
And it conquered the land, the water, the skies,
And the planet was transformed.

It coupled and grew into families,
Developed culture and complex societies.
It built villages, towns and organized nations
All part of its lasting legacy.

Its knowledge grew at a furious pace.
It unlocked the mysteries of time and of space.
It mastered its world and all it contained
And undoubtedly won life's race.

Finally, with no problems left to solve,
And confident that it had fully evolved,
It sunk deep into a comfy chair
And turned right back into a blob.

Big Bob's Early Exit

They said it was escape-proof
A fishbowl filled with tears
Stocked with hardened criminals
Who were locked away for years.
The goldfish markin' time inside
Had rap sheets nine miles long.
They swam in endless circles
Wonderin' what the heck went wrong.
The oldest inmate was a con
Who went by the name Big Bob.
He was netted seven years ago
For pullin' a riverbank job.
Yes, seven years of hard time,
Sunk in that cold, glass clink.
And that's seven years of nothin' to do
But scheme and plan and think.
He'd scrutinized the security,
And he thought he'd found a way
To slip right out of that goldfish bowl
And see the light of day.
The other inmates laughed at Bob
Not one of them believed him.
They had long since given up the dream
Of ever nibblin' freedom.
But Big Bob was optimistic.
Big Bob was undeterred.
Big Bob said he was leaving,
And Big Bob kept his word.
And one mornin' at the roll call,
The guards found somethin' weird:
Big Bob had vanished in the night,
Big Bob had disappeared.
No one knew how he did it.
They never found his route.
But the rumor swirlin' 'round the yard
Was that Big Bob tunneled out.

Eat My Words

I have no training as a chef
Although I think I hold my own.
I make a fabulous 'braggadocio'
My 'rest assured' falls off the bone.
I simmer 'absolutely certains,'
I find they make a sumptious stock.
And try my 'spoke too soon' stir fry
That I whip up in the wok.

Now I don't have to cook too often,
Despite whatever you have heard,
But I always try to make the best of it
When I have to eat my words.

P.S.: I also have a delicious recipe for 'foot in mouth.'

It was passed down from my mother.

Mean Bean

He has a cold black eye that never blinks

And a nasty attitude.
He is an ornery old cuss
Who doesn't care that he's just food.
He kicks around the new potatoes
And he bullies the pot roast.
He's just a real mean bean
And if you ever cross him you'll be toast.

The Gum That Time Forgot

As I was strolling down the sidewalk

On this pleasant summer day,
I was the victim of a thoughtless act
Much to my own dismay.
I felt a gooey, sticky squish

Under the sole of my new shoe.
It was a chewed up glob of bubble gum

That I had stepped into.

And though I'd like to have a few words

With the one who chewed and spit it,
Logically, I know I must move on
'Cause I shall soon forget it.
You see, it's times like these that one must pause,
And learn to be reflective.
An incident like this should really be

Put in proper perspective.

Yes, I'm sitting here, picking at
This gum that isn't mine.
But I know man is insignificant
When viewed through the lens of time.
All of mankind and all we ever did
Will be forgot one day.
Our legacy, our history,

Broken down and washed away.

And now I'd like to take a moment

To expand your world view.
For planet Earth is just a morsel

Floating in a cosmic stew.
Our solar system's swallowed up
By an enormous galaxy.
Yes, our whole world is but a tiny speck
Lost in an endless sea.

We are adrift in time, adrift in space,
Our lives so meaningless.
And when you understand that fact

It just seems so ridiculous
To give a second thought,

About a wad of gum stuck on a sole.
It is a pointless exercise

That fails to appreciate the whole.

But though I know how unimportant
This tiny moment will become,
I admit it's not much consolation

As I sit here scraping gum.

Voyage of the Landlocked Pirate

He had a long black beard, a peg leg and a patch over his eye
He flew the skull and bones above his ship against a cloudless sky
He was fierce and unforgiving, and a pirate to the core
He was the captain of a ship drydocked a thousand miles from shore

He spent his days behind the wheel, navigating fields of gold
He never saw another ship, 'cause there were no ships to behold
He led a crew of swarthy scarecrows serving under his command
He was the captain of a pirate ship that never left the land

His ship had no need for an anchor, but it had one just in case
It didn't really need sails either, because it just stayed in one place
It had ten cannons at the ready, and its decks were swabbed and clean
It was the strangest pirate ship that any farmer'd ever seen

And although waves of wheat would be the only waves he ever rode
The fearless captain lived his whole life strictly by the pirate's code
He was a legendary figure, who, thanks to geography
Became the greatest pirate captain...

Who never sailed the sea

If I Had

If I had eight arms like an octopi
I could clap my hands while I waved goodbye
I could juggle nine balls if I gave it a try
If I had
If I had
Eight arms

If I had a long neck like a giraffe
You could hear an echo when I laughed
It would take ten scarves just to cover half
If I had
If I had
That neck

If I had a pouch like a kangaroo
I could carry a pot of tea for two
Hide my head inside when I felt blue
If I had
If I had
A pouch

If I had the jaws of the alligator
I could eat taffy now and jerky later
Skip the squash, steamed broccoli and tomaters
If I had
If I had
Those jaws

If I had the horn of the rhinoceros
I could pop balloons just because they was
It would point the way for the both of us
If I had
If I had
A horn

If I had these things life would surely be
Quite different as I'm sure you see
But I think I'd choose to just be me
If I had
If I had
A choice

On Unicorns

I have a question about unicorns

I'd like to ask of you:

Do they have one horn too many

Or do they have one horn too few?

Tiny Mermaid

There was once a tiny mermaid
Who lived in a drop of dew
Between the petals of a rose
And how she got there no one knew.
It was just a drop of water
But she didn't mind at all
She lived contently in her dew drop
Never knowing she was small.

The Poem That Isn't Finished

If you are reading this new poem
Well, I must apologize
Because I hadn't time to finish
It's not ready for your eyes.
I beg you please come back tomorrow
I'm sure I'll have it done by then
You see I'm working on the last line now
I've almost reached the

The Wish Giver

I was once granted three wishes
And though generous, I must say,
I knew that two were all I needed
So I gave the third away.
Now you may wonder if I ever
Wish I had that last wish back.
No, I'm completely out of wishes
But that's the only thing I lack.

The Hole

He stepped into his sandbox
Just before the crack of dawn
A young spelunker in pajamas
Rubbed his eyes and gave a yawn

He tied a coil of knotted rope
Tightly 'round an old oak tree
He donned a backpack full of snacks
And he gazed down at destiny

And then he knelt and started digging
With a silver serving spoon
That he had taken from the kitchen drawer
The previous afternoon

He tossed the sand over his shoulder
As he made a boy-sized dent
In the bottom of his sandbox
Down and down and down it went

And after only half an hour
He had disappeared from sight
He was deep inside his tunnel
Heaving dirt with all his might

He dug a shaft into the darkness
Carved a hole that plunged straight down
He dug through dirt and rocks and clay
As he dug deeper underground

He dug past long forgotten artifacts
Cast off by early man
He dug through fossilized remains
Of dinosaurs and ancient lands

He dug past sedimentary layers
And through igneous ones, too
He broke right through the Earth's thin outer crust
By early afternoon

He made quick work of the soft mantle
Although his arm was getting sore
He just kept digging with that silver spoon
Until he reached the core

And at the center of the Earth
He paused to eat a little snack
He drank some juice and then continued
His unstoppable attack

He just kept digging, digging deeper
Burrowing through the world wide
He planned to dig right through the planet
And break through the other side

Surely no hole was ever deeper
It was really quite a sight
When he looked up through his handiwork
He saw a speck of light

But when he finally reached the bottom
As he neared the last few feet
He heard those dreaded words call down the hole
"Young man, it's time to eat!"

The Absentminded Elephant

They say elephants remember
They say pachyderms keep track
Of every little thing that happens
Every name and place and fact.
And though it's true that most remember
And remember quite a lot
I know an absentminded elephant
Who forgot.

He forgot his mother's birthday
He forgot his father's too
He forgot to do his homework
He forgot to tie his shoes
He forgot to eat his veggies
He forgot to wait his turn
He forgot to wash behind his ears
When would he ever learn?
He forgot to say "Excuse me"
He forgot to say "Thank you"
He forgot to say "I'm sorry"
"Please madam, after you."
He forgot to ask permission
He forgot to feed his fish
He blew out his birthday candles
But forgot to make a wish.

But then one day he heard of
An ingenious little trick
He tied a string around his trunk
It was simple, it was quick!
And so he tied another string
And then he tied a couple more
He tied a string for every little thing
That he'd forgot before.
And now that elephant is happy
He recalls with speed and grace
Cause what's on his mind's as obvious
As the nose upon his face.

Topsy-Turvy World

Things can get a little mixed up
When you're spinning 'round and 'round
Sometimes it's hard to know where up is
Until you have found the down.
When left is right and straight is crooked
And the world feels outside in
Just close your eyes and clear your head
And try your best to start again.

Magic Carpet

I have a magic carpet

It flies all around the room

But I cannot keep it clean

'Cause I can't find my magic broom.

Two Bad Jobs

Although working in the salt mines

Is neither fun nor easy

Grinding pepper for a living

Is intolerably sneezy.