A Most Incredible Thing

I saw an incredible thing today!
An amazing, improbable thing today!
A stupendous and wondrous
Tremendous and marvelous
Most incredible thing!

This thing that I witnessed today,
Was such a fantastic display!
I was struck with delight
At the extraordinary site
Of this most incredible thing!

The Nap

Under the shade of a maple tree
Sleeps a tiny, little snoring flea
Bedded down in the hair of a worn-out rat
That's sleeping soundly on the back of a fluffy brown cat
That's curled up tight on an old hound dog
That's snoozing on the back of a fat, pink hog
That's catching forty winks on the back of a cow
That's also asleep, though I don't know how
And under that cow sleeps an old gray mare
And can you guess what's under there?
Why, another little flea, at the bottom of the pile...
And I think it's going to be asleep for awhile.

The Rainbow's End

Pack your travel bags, and come with me
We'll voyage across a purple sea
Under a golden yellow sun
To a colorful world far away.

We'll come ashore on fiery opal sands
Then push onward into a painted land
Of crimson and jade and sapphire hues
Brushed on by an artist unknown.

So come with me, my dearest friend
Together we'll find the rainbow's end
We'll toss our troubles to the wind
And we'll leave this world behind.

Deal With the Devil

An old cowboy rode into town
On a worn out horse with his head held down.
Stepped into a tavern
On a dusty, windswept,

Unforgiven street.

One last chance was all he had
'Cause things had really turned out bad.
And he sat down at a table

Dealing endless hands of stud.

That night, a cowboy came for blood.

Across the table, bathed in red
Sat the Devil, horns upon his head
A stack of chips
And a wicked, rotten smile.

The Devil looked like he'd been there awhile.

Confident the cowboy

Slid his chips into the pot.
Looked at his cards

And he felt his face grow hot.
But times were tough and he'd had enough
He bet his soul, and Red called his bluff.
And when the cards fell
The Devil laughed

And swished his pointy tail.

Can't take it back, once you go all in.
Sometimes there's just no way a man can win.

The Devil lit a fat cigar
He laid the contract on the bar.
And Old Scratch let out a chuckle
Through a toothy yellow grin.
And then

The cowboy looked him square in the eye
And he signed his name with a tired sigh.
He had no choice
And now his fate was sealed.

Someday the Devil would collect his due.
But what else could a beaten cowboy do?

Funhouse Mirror

Gaze into the funhouse mirror

Destiny was never clearer

Shrinks the legs and tugs the heart

Watch it spread your eyes apart

Gilded Bird

Gilded bird, polished bright
Emerald eyes blind to the light.

Prized parrot in cage nearby
Has a voice but cannot fly.

Small brown bird sits in a tree
Worth so little yet so free.

Forbidden Fruit

Once there was an antelope

Who fell for a young cantaloupe

Against their parents' wishes

They eloped

And ran away*

*Well, one ran. The other rolled.

Sweet Dreams

She laid her pretty little head
Down on her pretty little bed
She shut her pretty eyes as daddy said "sweet dreams"

She found a land of lollipops
Skipped down a path of sweet gumdrops
She crossed a bridge above a gushing chocolate stream

She strayed so very far from home
A little girl all alone
Lured by things that weren't exactly as they seemed

Entered an endless saccharin maze
That turned a hundred different ways
Cut through a thicket unlike any she had seen

And so enchanted by the scent
Of winding vines of peppermint
Continued on to see what waited 'round the bend

She tasted of forbidden sweets
An endless feast of truffle treats
That left a smear of chocolate fudge across her chin

And as the hour was growing late
From candy apple trees she ate
Crunched sweet and juicy bites of red delicious sin

But then a breeze began to blow
And powdered sugar fell like snow
And her indulgent romp came to a sour end

The path grew dark, the vines closed in
The candied thorns tore at her skin
For she had savored far too much of a good thing

And when she caught the sickly smell
Of sticky burning caramel

She felt a frantic panic quickly setting in

Her feet left gooey taffy tracks
But she could not find the way back
She was as scared as any girl had ever been

Lost in a wicked candy land
She finally came to understand
The rancid side of life that woke her with a scream

And though still safe within her bed
Sweet visions danced inside her head
The pretty girl's too scared to go to sleep again

He Wears a Mask

Concealed and exposed
Walks through a world
That no one knows
He wears a mask
Tied 'round him for eternity

A blessing and a curse
Defines the best
Reveals the worst
Becomes the only him
That he's allowed to be

Love on the High Seas

Although cuttlefish are lovely
They're the furthest thing from cuddly
And I find kissing fish extremely hard to court.

Sadly, the creatures of the sea
Remain a mystery to me
And so I think it's time that I sail back to port.

Lion Tamer

On a train I met a stranger
Claimed he was a lion tamer
Found out later he was just a lyin' liar.

The Uninteresting Life of a Tree

Of all the things that I could be
I'm really glad I'm not a tree
'Cause if I was I think I wood be rather board.

Monster in My Closet

There's a monster in my closet

And he's trying on my stuff.

Yes, there's a monster in my closet

And I think I've had enough.

He creeps in every evening

After I have gone to bed.

He wakes me with his rummaging

A sound I've come to dread.

It's not just the noise that bugs me

He shows no respect at all.

I'm tired of his shenanigans

They drive me up the wall.

He stretches all my t-shirts

He gets slime on all my shoes.

He puts holes in all my dungarees

I'm tired of this abuse.

If he'd occasionally ask permission

I'd lend him a thing or two.

But he just barges in and takes stuff

And I think that's rather rude.

Now I know he likes my style

But this really has to stop.

'Cause it's my closet after all

It's not a late-night monster shop.

Just last week he wore my new suit

To a fancy monster dance.

He lost a button from the jacket

And ripped the seat out of the pants.

Night after night he's in my closet

Trying on everything I own.

So inconsiderate and loud

He acts like he lives all alone.

I'm not the only one who's tired

Of this thoughtless closet pest.

The poor old monster underneath my bed

Can't get a moment's rest.

A Riddle

I have no legs but I have rhythm
Have no smarts but I outwit 'em
Have no claws but I can burrow in
And bug a man all day.

What am I?

A Fine Mess

I have a sister who has a mother
Who has a cousin who has a brother
Who has an aunt who has a daughter
Who has a son who's me.

Rotten Poem

This poem is a rotten poem

A filthy, stinking, rotten poem

A vile, slithering, quivering poem

That crawls from a hole in my head

Detestable words from a deep, dark lair

My wiggling, wriggling thoughts laid bare

With grimy nails and matted hair

Plops onto a greasy floor

Then glistening with pus and slime

This dripping, oozing, festering rhyme

Slips through the cracks into your mind

An uninvited guest

Modern Man

He leaned back in his kitchen chair

Until he found the razor's edge

A dance choreographed in millimeters

And for a brief moment

He was transformed...

Daredevil

Thrill seeker

And he found himself
in the open cockpit of a WWI plane,
taking fire...

And then he was twisting the throttle
of a sleek black motorcycle,
coming out of a hairpin turn...

And he was taking a step to the left
as an arrow whistled harmlessly past his ear...

And he was breathlessly willing the dealer
to turn over the ten of spades...

And he was hiding in the brush,
downwind from a pride of lions...

And he was holding a machete high in the air,
pausing briefly before the downswing...

And he was locking eyes
with a mysterious redheaded woman...

And he was releasing a Molotav cocktail...

And he was standing on the edge of a canyon trail,
staring into a deep ravine...

And he was squeezing the trigger
of a large-caliber revolver...

For a split second,
he felt the thing men have always felt
as they taste the salty blood of life...

And then, his morning ritual complete

He leaned forward, slowly and deliberately

Carefully letting the chair legs down to the floor

And he finished his oatmeal

In silence

And tried not to drip any on his necktie

Blue Moon

The next time the moon is feeling blue
I'm going to step out into the night
And stare right up at him

I'll wave
And I'll whistle
And I'll jump up and down
Until I'm certain he sees me
And when I have the moon's full attention
I'll offer up my warmest, kindest smile

We will stand there, face to face
With nothing to hide
Sharing a comfortable silence
Like two old friends

And the moon will realize
That somebody down here is thinking of him
He will know that someone cares

They tell me that I'm awfully small
And the moon is terribly far away
But that doesn't discourage me

I'll try my best to take away those blues
I'll try to make the moon beam

The Sailor

There once was a boy who cried for a year
So he built a boat that could float on his tears
And he packed a bag
And he climbed aboard
And he sailed for smiles and smiles

Plain Jane

Plain Jane has simple tastes
Drives a simple car
Keeps a simple place
Yes Plain Jane lives a simple life
Though her hat is quite elaborate.

(It was a gift)