Cowboy Ed

There once was a cowboy named Ed,
Whose boots were a bright shade of red ...
Silver guns at the ready
Lasso of spaghetti
In a nine gallon hat
Cowboy Ed proudly sat
On a three-legged pony
Who ate only bologna
Backwards in his saddle
His eyes on the cattle
Yes, Ed drove the herd
Never saying a word
Though he did like to hum
And chew pink bubble gum
As he crisscrossed the plains
Holding tight on the reins
With a wild-eyed stare
And the wind in his hair
Others thought he was weird
Cause he shaved half his beard
And he buttered his chaps
And stopped often for naps
Filled his pockets with snakes
And his pants with corn flakes
Had a squeaky left knee
A bovine allergy
And a canteen of gravy
For his pet cactus Davy ...

Ed was a bit odd, they said.

Lost Thought

Tonight while having a deep think
I tipped my head to sip my drink
And as I did my thought slipped out my ear.

It rolled across the hardwood floor,
Continued right out my back door
And I have lost that thought for good I fear.

It's such a shame, if I may say,
To lose one's well-thunk thought that way.
To have a thought fall right out of your head.

If only I could get it back,
But life's sometimes unfair like that
And so I think I'll just go on to bed.

The Rise and Fall of Nobody

None hundred black knights
From the Castle Nobody
Crossed over the windswept moor,
Heading straight for the Kingdom of No One,
To wage a forgotten war.

No One saw them coming,
No One heard their shouts,
No One was prepared to defend.
The good kingdom fell to the Knights of Nobody,
Yes, No One had come to an end.

Nobody remembers
Just why they attacked
It happened so long ago.
Nobody thrived for none hundred long years
Till the rise of the Kingdom of No.

Roger and Roger and Roger and Wayne

Roger and Roger and Roger and Wayne
Shared Roger's umbrella as they strolled in the rain,
They waved to Wayne's brother in front of the market -
His name was Roger, too.

Starting Over

If I were designing a new me from scratch
I would make a slight change here and there.
For starters I'd give me the eyes of the hawk
And I'd take the great strength of the bear.
Then I'd add on the pouch of the kangaroo
So I'd have a safe place for my keys,
The spots of the leopard, the legs of the frog,
And the bright yellow stripes of the bees.
The ears of the bunny, the elephant's nose
And some beautiful antlers perhaps,
And the shell of the turtle that I could crawl in
For some undisturbed noontime naps.
I'd proudly wear the peacock's tail
The sailfish's majestic sail
And if I got bored
I'd just flap my wings
And gracefully fly away.

The Man Growing in My Garden

There's a man growing down in my garden,
He's scattered in pieces and parts.
His head's made entirely of cabbage,
And I think that's a very good start.
His eyes peek from the potatoes,
His ears listen from the corn stalks,
He hasn't a nose
But he has toma-toes
And with time he may learn how to walk.

One Gnu Too Few

I won an old gnu

Which was one gnu too few

One less gnu than I knew I would need.

But I'll try to make due

With this one lonesome gnu

'Til the day I can have two or three.

Bare Bear

There once was a bear who lost all of his hair
He was bare as a bear could be.
He got more than his share of giggles and stares
'Cause he was such a strange site to see.
At first he was worried that he wasn't furry
But with time grew to like his bare skin.
Now he lives life with ease, just enjoying the breeze
Wearing nothing at all but a grin.

Ten Thin Men

Ten thin men sat on a long silver pin
In a hat on a fat lady's head,
A mockingbird swooped down and plucked the pin out
And it's feared that all ten may be dead.

The Octopus Wrestler

I found myself wrestling an octopus once,
Which wasn't that easy to do.
For it had eight arms with which to hold me
And I was armed only with two.

With skill and brute strength and a good bit of luck
I was able to give him a wallop.
But next time I feel like a watery tussle
I'll challenge a mussel or scallop.

Or a shrimp.

I Have an Elephant Stuck in My Ear

I have an elephant stuck in my ear

It's squeezed in so tight I can barely hear
Just how it got there's not entirely clear
But it's there nonetheless and it feels rather weird
Now I'm fully aware that my quandary sounds queer
But you must understand that I'm being sincere
When I tell you an elephant's stuck in my ear
I'm sure my predicament's quite severe

This sort of thing's always been my biggest fear
I need a good doctor or engineer
Who can figure out how to make it disappear
Maybe pull from the trunk, or push from the rear
But please, someone, please get it out of my ear!

Waffling

This morning, I could not decide

Between French toast or pancakes

For breakfast.

Absolute Nonsense

Squeegee

Gee whiz

Whiz bang

Pow,

Wow-wee

Zowie

Faster now...

Flim flam

Flambée

Bay Bridge

Okay

Amos

Seamus

Take a bow.

Canned ham

Hamburg

Big Bird

Black bird

Black dirt

Dirt poor

Poor Sam Mudd.

Mud flap

Flap jack

Jack Sprat

Pratfall

Fall guy

Stop quick

With a thud.

A Random Little Thought About an Idle Brain

She kept her brain inside a jar
Tucked safely away on a high shelf
In the study, to be used only when needed.
Which, for her, was not often.
And so there it sat, just gathering dust,
Not thinking about anything at all.

Remembering Dear Reuben

My best friend was a sandwich named Reuben.

My constant companion was he.

We spent long summer days playing outdoor games

And swinging from a tree.

But sadly our friendship ended

One day as lunchtime neared.

My hunger got the best of me

And dear Reuben disappeared.

Lateral Thinking

There are stairs that go up

And stairs that go down
But though I have looked

I've never found
Stairs that go sideways

And for that matter
I've never seen

A sideways ladder.
I plan to invent both

Sooner or later
And also a sideways

Elevator.

The Upside-Down Tree

I planted an upside-down acorn.
It sprouted an upside-down tree.
In its roots, the birds nest
In its branches, worms rest
And it's all quite confounding to me.

Squandered Star

Last week I plucked a star right from the sky.
They didn't seem to be in short supply.
I just dropped it in my pocket
Where I promptly then forgot it
And on laundry day it got a wash and dry.

The Extraordinary Disappearance of a Good Hat

By some quirk of nature,
By some twist of fate,
A hole opened up in time and in space
And before I could grab it
My hat blew right through it
And vanished without a trace.

Did it jump to the future
Or back to the past?
I have no way of knowing just when it is at
So I'm standing here, waiting
Confused and debating
If I should go buy a new hat.

Big Bob's Early Exit

They said it was escape-proof
A fishbowl filled with tears
Stocked with hardened criminals
Who were locked away for years.
The goldfish markin' time inside
Had rap sheets nine miles long.
They swam in endless circles
Wonderin' what the heck went wrong.
The oldest inmate was a con
Who went by the name Big Bob.
He was netted seven years ago
For pullin' a riverbank job.
Yes, seven years of hard time,
Sunk in that cold, glass clink.
And that's seven years of nothin' to do
But scheme and plan and think.
He'd scrutinized the security,
And he thought he'd found a way
To slip right out of that goldfish bowl
And see the light of day.
The other inmates laughed at Bob
Not one of them believed him.
They had long since given up the dream
Of ever nibblin' freedom.
But Big Bob was optimistic.
Big Bob was undeterred.
Big Bob said he was leaving,
And Big Bob kept his word.
And one mornin' at the roll call,
The guards found somethin' weird:
Big Bob had vanished in the night,
Big Bob had disappeared.
No one knew how he did it.
They never found his route.
But the rumor swirlin' 'round the yard
Was that Big Bob tunneled out.